She made me a baby in the back

They made a child by themselves. Without warning the future father or against his will. How do men live this forced paternity when they discover it? Investigation of an abuse of power in the feminine.

Stanislas De Haldat

"It was 1986. I was 24 years old, I was single, I met a married woman, we spent an afternoon together. would not be followed by an affair: she did not want to leave her husband Five months later, I learned from mutual friends that she was five months pregnant ... I thought of a chance. I saw her again, two or three years later, she was with her daughter, looking at the child's eyes, I was shocked, I saw myself in. It was my eyes. leave her mother with my doubts She first denied, then she confessed, making sure she did not think to get pregnant

Since then, I started a family - I have two children - and I thought I had forgotten this story, but as a result of problems in my relationship, everything came up again, I told my partner about this paternity, and I asked this woman for pictures of my daughter, but my relationship with this child I stopped there, and when I meet her in the little town where we live, it does something to me, but I do not want to go back, or sow a mess in her life. A priori, his official father knows nothing. I feel that I have been manipulated, raped. "

" Manipulated "?" "In the face of this imposed paternity, Christian uses harsher words than those that once applied to" mother-daughters. "It was said of them that they had been" seduced "and" abandoned ". to say that thirty years after the pill and the abortion, the balance of power has been reversed, that men can be sent back to the role of mere parents, that paternity is no longer their affair?

Emancipated women and autonomous

"The problem is not so manichéen, retorts the psychoanalyst Muriel Flis-Trier. Of course, we can think that the expression "to make a baby in the back" is the revenge of the "old-fashioned puppet in the drawer" of yesteryear; and remember that for centuries, men could take a break during pregnancy and let the women cope with the children. But nowadays, it is no longer for revenge that they make a baby alone.

First, they are very small at wanting to be single mothers. Then most of them dreamed of having a child as a couple, but this was not possible. They usually complain about not having met the man they needed ... "And their desire to give birth is all the more pressing as their" biological clock "turns.

Women today, emancipated and autonomous, no longer need to wait for the ideal companion to make a child: it is no longer shameful to be a single mother; and when they work, they can assume the financial burden of raising a child.

Finally, for many of them, adding a maternity to a professional career is a positive sign: that of the complete success of a woman's life. In short, for want of a man who accompanies them in their desire for a child, they can decide to give birth alone. Clochette testifies anonymously on the Internet: "I'm 30 years old and I'm really longing for a baby, my boyfriend is not mature, and for him it's out of the question, I know he would probably leave, but I often want to make it the father of my child in spite of him! Is it selfish? It is not worse than the women who go to the sperm bank! At least, I will have known and loved him "

This speech of autonomy, many" fathers-despite-them "have difficulty hearing it, especially since they too have evolved. Unlike men of previous generations, many people no longer support the idea of ​​having children they will ignore and who do not know their father. "In the absence of being able to decide births, men now want to assume, under pain of to have no function, to be nothing, "says Muriel Flis-Trier.

Assuming nonetheless

Olivier, 42, says: "After a long 15-year relationship and a painful separation, I returned to live in my family's village, where I found a friend of mine. youth and we have maintained episodic friendship-lovers relations.

When she announced her pregnancy and her desire to live with me, I first refused: I did not feel ready to start again in a couple, let alone being a father, so I asked her to have an abortion she did not want: at 37, she thought she might not have the chance to be pregnant again and told me that she was ready to raise the child alone, I spent a fortnight - the hardest part of my life - thinking and I decided to take it in. I can not stand the thought of an abused, unloved or abandoned child, and I could never have lived serenely knowing that the flesh of my flesh was living somewhere in nature.

S years to resume romantic relationships with her, so I accompanied the future mother in all stages of pregnancy, until delivery. I recognized the child and took a paternity leave to welcome them home after birth. We live thirty-five kilometers from each other and, since it does not drive, I continue to pick them up every weekend.

Since she does not have much money, I also fill their fridge. She does not ask me anything, but it is me who anticipates, because I want that my son does not miss anything.Neither the affection of each of his parents, nor comfort. Of course, this situation prevents me from having a new stable love life, because I do not know a woman who would agree to see my son and his mother land once a week. Some time ago, I asked him to return to life together. She refused. She said, "Me, my man, it's my son. "Now I suffer from not seeing the baby more often. Like a divorced father. "

Some, unlike Olivier, first see the unwanted child as a future instrument of emotional or financial blackmail, and see the demands of child support. push them to their limits

A lack of recourse

Didier, 39, who had "purely sexual" relations with a young woman, is still in shock: "She was taking the pill, and one day, almost three years ago, she phones me to tell me: "That's it, you filled me! "She told me that she would not cause me any problems, since she knew I had been with someone for a number of years ... And not long ago I received a letter from a court a research action in paternity ... I find it hard to put myself in the head to assume this paternity. For me, it will forever be the child of scorn and disgust! "

To these men" victimized "by the autonomy of women, one could answer that they have only to take They are also responsible for putting on a condom.This is not so simple, says Martin Winckler, doctor and writer: "For having received hundreds of couples and individuals of both sexes, I know that life is complicated. Desire changes, relationships too, dialogue is not always full and clear, neither on one side nor the other. Neither men nor women are robots. And if men can use a condom, they have no reason to do so when each partner has an HIV test, or the woman says she does not want it, for example. "The pill for men have a future?

"" I can not imagine myself as a mother ""


Annabelle, 34, alone with her 3 year old son

"I do not have a future I never get along well enough with a man to live with. I do not like sharing the everyday, I like to be in love, to seduce, to have fun. To be loving in sum. That's why I can not imagine myself as a mother with husband and child, I would feel like burying myself alive. But it does not mean that I wanted to deprive myself of a child. I make a good living and I am economically independent.

To see my girlfriends around me having babies one after the other, it gave me a crazy desire to do the same. My friends warned me that it would be heavy to be a single mother, but I, to watch them live, what I found heavy was to organize as a family.Besides, I did not necessarily want the father to play any role in my child's life, but I refused to allow that to create a conjugal bond between us.

I had an affair with an actor that I thought was smart and whimsical. I thought it was the perfect parent and I managed to get pregnant. Later, when I told him the news, I told him that he was obliged to nothing. He disappeared during the pregnancy, he did not recognize the child but, since birth, he manages to pass regularly through the city where I live to see him. And the other day, he asked her to call him "daddy." "

" "Who is my dad?" "

Fabien, 29 years old, only son

" I am the only son of a mother teacher engaged in Freinet pedagogy, a movement very much focused on the development of the child. It was the 1970s, she was 27 years old, wanting independence, and did not see herself living as a couple. She did not ask my father for advice. For her, it was just a parent. However, he knew my existence since he saw me baby, until the age of 2 or 3 years.

I have only one mental image left. My mother wanted to be alone, without male presence. I can not say that I suffered because I had no point of comparison - my best friend was in the same case - and I have never hidden the story of my birth. There were no gray areas and I did not ask moral questions about a supposed egoism of my mother. Simply, I did not imagine the existence of my father.

Until the last few years, when an office colleague - who is my father's age - told me, "You have a father. "It was a first awareness. It has been reinforced by the fact that I am in a relationship with a young Korean woman, who has been adopted and is currently researching her biological parents. We want a child, and the idea of ​​paternity teases me. I do not ask myself, "What is a father? "But" Who is my father? "

So I very recently started looking for him. I asked biographical details for my mother. She asked me why I was looking for her and was worried and protective. His question was, "What are you going to find? "I do not know, but this quest has become an obsession. I did a real detective job and I was able to locate him. I called him.

He immediately realized that I was his son and he was very calm during this conversation. I did not ask him anything, I do not want to run into his life and trouble his family. The ball is now in his camp. He has my contact information and he can call me whenever he wants. I know it's not easy for him. He must ask himself what I can do to him.But I do not want anything. Nothing but a sign from him. "


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