My grandmother, who raised me, does not want me to find my sire

My grandmother, who raised me, does not want me to find my sire

I'm 38 years old. I lost my mother at 6 and my adoptive father at 10. I would like to find my father, but my maternal grandmother, who raised me, told me that she would suffer more than the death of her daughter . What should I do? What can I expect from this meeting? Helen, La Baule

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

answers

I do not know what you "must" do, but what I do know is that only you can decide. To look for - or not - the identity of your father-sire, it is indeed your affair, because it is to the child that belongs the father.

Adults who allow themselves to be deprived of it, regardless of the "good reasons" they invoke, always commit an abuse of power.

That being said, your grandmother's reflection is strange: "It would hurt me more than my daughter's death." Why does she say that? What imaginary place does it occupy your father so that the only evocation of his identity is more painful for her than the death of her daughter? Death which one could logically think is the worst thing that can happen to a mother ...

Does she really think what she is saying? In which case, it certainly refers to the relationship she had with her daughter and, especially, the woman's life. Because the man in question, before being your father, was the companion of his daughter ... Or does she say that - without thinking it really - only so that, made guilty, you do not disturb a " established order "which suits him? The (apparent) peace that prevails in some families is often built on unspoken and lies.

You ask me what you can expect from a meeting with your father. I can not know, but I can point out that in this context your question looks like a "trapped" question. It sounds like these questions that adults ask children when, not content to deny them the right to fulfill their desires, they dispute the validity: "And what would that bring you, huh, to do that?" You are 38 years old, Hélène. Maybe it's time for your life to belong to you?

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