Cynthia Fleury: "Admiration protects the couple from the materiality of everyday life"

The one who no longer admires his partner has resigned?

Cynthia Fleury: Yes, he has let go. It is not that he knows everything about the other, since admiration and knowledge go together, they do not exhaust each other. There are a thousand things to admire: courage, optimism, a solar capacity, a course, a way of being ... It would be enough that he moves his eyes a little to discover his partner differently and admire him again. It's because he stopped wanting to know him. Or when he told himself a story about the other, that admiration was based on illusions. And so, that their love was a sham.

How to have this capacity of decentering, of opening to the other, proper to the admiration?

Cynthia Fleury: From a psychoanalytic point of view, in order to be able to decentre oneself, one must be aware of one's existential lack and seek to overcome it. Those who are in frustration, in resentment, will find in the admiration too much pain, a hidden competition or the occasion of a devaluation. On the other hand, those who are in denial of their lack miss out on admiration. They do not even see what the other can bring them. They are indifferent, contemptuous or in perverse instrumentation, that is, they submit the other to their desire. To admire, one must on the contrary be humble, be aware of its incompleteness.

To be aware of its incompleteness, but not to try to fill it with the other?

Cynthia Fleury: The truth of being is the incurable. There are things you do not care about. Our lack is our finiteness, our first wounds of abandonment or separation, and a whole route of narcissistic vexations that we would like to see magically repaired by the other. Not only is it not his job, but it is not his problem either. Believing is a painful illusion that brings us into circles of programmed disenchantment.

However, in the early days of love, there is a form of illusion?

Cynthia Fleury: Barthes says "we are in love with love." The other is the support of all my fantasies, my dreams, my projections. We are leaving the track to the stars ... But the landing can only be hard because this admiration has nothing to do with it! It's a fervor in itself, a kind of romantic panic. Today we have a somewhat manic-depressive relationship to the meeting. Suddenly we get used to it because we are trying to fill our gap.

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